Jessica PingToday’s blog post is going to get REAL personal, so buckle up. Y’all think dating is difficult? Try dating with a disability! Talk about vulnerability…
*Disclosure: There are affiliate links in the following article, meaning that, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase using the links, I will receive a small commission.
I didn’t date in high school.
But, I wanted to.
I wanted to so so badly.
Growing up in small-town USA as a physically disabled teen presented many interesting challenges, especially when it came to dating. Everyone knew everyone by the time we were 14 and if you were involved in community activities, chances were that you knew everyone long before that.
There were no secrets and there were no do-overs. How you were seen by your peers at age 12 is how you would be seen until graduation.
Of course, as with anything, there were a few exceptions here and there. But, for the most part, your date-ability was judged long before most people even fully understood what being in a relationship truly meant.
In middle school, not only was I the weird girl in the electric wheelchair who zipped in between people as I tried to get to class on time, but I was also the weird girl who was way too outspoken and overly dramatic when it came to schoolwork and grades.
By the time I got to high school, I’m sure my peers would have used the following three descriptions to define me and my personality:
- Know-It-All
- One Direction obsessed fangirl
- Loud and awkward conversationalist
Yup. That was me.
I used knowledge as a way to elevate myself. Not to mention, I liked school and learning new things. But, ultimately, I knew I could never impress a guy with my athletic ability. So, I felt like I had to overcompensate with intelligence.
Similarly, I was loud in my demeanor because I wanted to be seen and I wanted to be heard. If I was telling a funny story, I never did so quietly. It was always a spectacle.
All of these seemingly negative traits aside, I was actually fairly well-liked in high school. Or, at the very least, I wasn’t well-hated. I had my close group of friends, of course, but I could talk with pretty much anyone aside from a handful of individuals without feeling extremely uncomfortable.
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So, why didn’t I date anyone?
The answer I used to give: I was too busy to date.
The real answer: I was not deemed dateable by my peers.
Desirability and Dating with a Disability
I was not desired in high school.
I was not desired in college.
I am not desired now.
When I go out to a bar or for a walk around the park, very few people are thinking to themselves “man, I NEED to get her number.”
And, if they are, they almost never act on it.
A big part of this is definitely due to systemic ableism and the ridiculous assumptions people have about the disabled lived condition. To me, a bigger factor is lack of representation.
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Disabled models aren’t mainstream, so we aren’t widely desired.
Healthy interabled relationships that are based in love and not around sex are never seen on screen.
These things affect the way people see us. I talk about this all the time. What isn’t talked about often enough is the way society views non-disabled individuals who interact with disabled people. Whether you’re befriending a person with a disability or instigating a romantic relationship, you’re going to be questioned.
People with disabilities can also and often do internalize these judgments. If the world is so upset and confused over my relationship, then shouldn’t I be questioning their intentions too. It’s a horrific cycle that ostracizes people with disabilities and their families.
I started dating in college.
After a few months of no one asking me to dinner at the dining hall or approaching me at a party, I decided to bite the bullet and download Tinder. This was back when swiping right or left was still quite taboo. I remember being so embarrassed that when I went on my first ever proper date, I didn’t tell a soul until long after it happened.
I never hid my identity on dating apps. My amputation was always front and center in my photos. You see, I took these apps seriously. I was looking for a relationship. So, I wanted to be honest right from the beginning.
It was AMAZING how many people used to match with me. This isn’t meant to sound like a brag, because it’s not. Quite the opposite, really.
There were so many guys around campus who were perfectly happy to message me from the privacy of their phone screens, but never wanted to meet in person and confront my disability head on.
One circumstance in particular really upset me. A guy I had been talking to for weeks asked me to go with him to a fundraiser house party. I agreed, picked out an outfit, and let my nerves take control.
About 5 hours before the party, he canceled on me. I was disappointed, but he had a valid excuse: homework.
Well, six hours later, when I was perusing Snapchat, I saw his story and, let’s just say, he wasn’t at the library.
Hurt. Defeat. Humiliation.
All of these feelings came to the surface.
Because I was literally a complete hot mess, I actually gave him another chance and we began texting again soon after.
Moving forward, he only ever invited me to his room to Netflix and chill.
That wasn’t what I was looking for, so I always declined (plus he lived in an inaccessible dorm, so my excuse was easy).
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But, I will never forget that.
It was clear that he was embarrassed for his friends to see us together. And, this guy was not alone in that line of thinking.
Still, though, hurt as I may have been, dating apps got me closer to a relationship than real life ever did
None of my friends ever tried to set me up with their single guy friends. No one ever asked me to their dorm’s dances. If I hadn’t taken the plunge and put myself out there, I would not be married today.
Do I think it’s 100% fair to say that dating apps are the only way for people with disabilities to date in 2020? No, because disability is so incredibly vast in its meaning. If you don’t have a visible disability, or if your disability doesn’t include bulky mobility aids, I think it’s probably a lot easier to find a partner. Not easy, by any means, but easier.
I’m thankful to live during a time where dating apps exist and I’m thankful to live in a world that is slowly becoming more tolerant of disability. But, I’m frustrated by how far we still have to go.
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